“YOU BRING THE BLADES, I’LL BRING THE FIREPOWER. Oh, and an extra generous serving of ‘/fuck yes/.’ CALL ME YOUR FUCKIN’ HOSTILE APOSTLE, MAN. ‘CAUSE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A JASHIN PARTY.”
“This is exactly why you should convert, man.”
“Jan fucking Valentine.”
“HEY, LET’S CATCH UP OVER A BIG MASSACRE, WHAT DO YOU SAY?”
AW FUCK— JAN GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!
[headlock, shoves his cap down over his face]
Wow, okay, BITCH. Shit on a guy for trying to make your birthday not SAD AS THE REST OF YOUR VIRGIN LIFE. … How old are you, anyway? Like … fuckin’ … 18 or something?
Maybe it’s the virgin comment, or the thought that his faith was being challenged, but in comparison to Jan’s usual wisecracks, that one gets under his skin. Now he’s advancing with a leer until he’s pinned.
“You think I can’t be as happy as a goddamn dog without a sex life, asshole? You think I can’t stay faithful to Jashin-sama and just keep gutting, gutting, gutting for the rest of my life and love every minute of it?” Disregarding the last comment, he doesn’t bother telling. Why should he? He never liked being reminded he was another year older.
Nothing but sputtering and vehement jaw-tightening.
“GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE AND GO FUCK A GOAT, DICK-CHEESE.”
Camera man Jan, reporting for FUCKING SHIT UP. — wait. Your birthday’s comin’ up? … … … Well, I guess I oughta scheme me up a little SURPRISE BASH, huh ~ ?
“We’ll have a fuckin’ riot of fun, won’t we? As much as I hate my birthday and gifts, that’d be the only gift I could tolerate, bro.”
Guess who’s celebrating his birthday with the Virgos? It’ll be one big snuff, courtesy of Jan Valentine’s professional filming.
“CHICKS DON’T HAVE KNOCKERS THAT BIG UNLESS THEY’RE HIDING SOMETHING, MAN. LIKE A DICK—”
“— NO WHAT THE FUCK—
AUUGH IT SMELLS LIKE ASS
FUCK IT— AUUGH—
WHAT THE FUCK—
BROS BEFORE HOS, ASSHOLE.
“Hey, what’s your deal? You gettin’ jealous over me making new friends?
C’mon now, don’t tell me you got separation anxiety or some shit.
We can still hang out, buddy.”
… I hope your little girlfriend turns out to be a MAN.
[screws the cap off of the container, HURLS GARLIC POWDER AT HIS FACE]
Hey, Janice, you gotta stop having these faggot fantasies about me. Sorry, but I don’t roll that way. Honestly though, I was wondering if you finally kicked the bucket, dude.
Oh and guess what? Got you a little present to show my sentiments.
[leaves for a moment, riffles through a shelf somewhere, returns with a container of garlic powder]